So Close to the day your life ended  / Mum

Darling Gem

I can't believe that in 21 days it will 4 years to the day that changed life for me forever!!  Life is so very different now before you left i just plodded along doing all the mundane things we all do in life.. moaning about trivial things.. I remember not long before you passed you had stayed out all night without telling me it was a week night so you had work in the morning.. i remember that night so clearly as i did'nt really get much sleep through worrying about you.. i tried texting you phoning you no answer.. I know we had a few words thinking back it was something trivial... so trivial i can't now even think what it was... anyhow i suppose not keeping in touch was your way of getting back at me.. of course in the morning you called me i told you how worried i was and you said how sorry you was as you only stayed at the Hotel your friend Sarah worked at.. i know you were 20 and old enough to stay out yet you would always let me know if you were to be late or not coming home.. thinking back now I thought that was worry!! well now i can't remember the last time i had a full nights sleep... that has changed in these 4 years.. we have all changed as everyone and everything does in life.. yet for you you will always be young always be 20 no matter how many years pass  some may say you are in a better place and maybe when it is my time i will accept this yet whilst i live here on earth how can anything other than being here with those that love and care for you experiencing everything we do in life how can anywhere else be better than that??? I know i will never understand..

 even though Grandad is now with you well that's what nan believes.. I still find myself accepting Grandad's death as he could not have lived any longer fighting to breathe.. so that is accepting... yet with you a healthy girl left the house that Saturday 27th November 2004 and only returned home in a coffin!! the day of the funeral!! to see your child so still so cold in a coffin is a sight no parent should have to endure of their child.. i remember that day so clearly.. it is etched in my mind forever.. i just wish that Anthony Burns had seen you so still so lifeless so cold.. then maybe he would think twice about driving wrecklessly.. for all i know he is still out there driving like a mad man!! it angers me that i am expected to forgive such aperson just because he is living and you are not!! how could i forgive someone who took it upon themself to dice with death!! cos thats what he did that night byu not driving efficiently his actions ended your life!! no matrer what anyone says thats a fact... it was not an "accident" as some like to call it as what happened to you was avoidable and could have been avoided.. this is why we are attending Brake roadsafety week to try and get across what life is like for us now 4 years on.. we read everyday that someone dies on the roads yet we forget it no sooner it is said.. cos it has not happened to us yet those poor families like us are living day in day out with the void there loved can only fill just like us.. no matter how many years pass Gem i will never accept what happened to you cos it could all have been avoided...never thought the actions of one person could affect so many lives forever...

Today Gem Scott was in the Remembrance Parade with Army Cadets he has grown up and matured so much this past year well he is 16 now!! and he reminds me so much of you... how sad that your brother who was only 12 when your life ended has not got his sister that he would have so much in common with now he always lays a wreath gem not only for those who lost their lives in wars but also for you his big sister he never got  to grow older with.. how sad is that.. i just wish people could realise the devestation not only to our lives as parents but to so many other lives... yet no one ever can know until it happens to them.. so all i can do now Gem is try and promote safe driving.. if only to save one family from going through what we have to live with day in day out .. 

whatever we decide to do this year December 1st one thing is we will all be together just aswe were all together that day 2004..

love and miss you so terribly much Gemma

mum x

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I hate the thought that you wont be there  / Beccy Wadsley (Friend)

This time of year is always hard...it will be my birthday in less than two weeks, and yet again, as every year people say so what are you doing? and every year since you died i have the same answer, nothing. my birthday was the last time i saw you, and planning something knowing that i cant invite you breaks my heart. So i'll be going along to my sisters as hers is a week before mine, and then on my actual birthday ive been told im having a meal just with my stepdad, brother, sister and a few friends seen as its on a sunday, memorial sunday funnily enough.

I'll never stop wanting to pick up the phone to tell you the latest drama, i'll never stop seeing things that i wish i could buy and give to you, i'll never stop wanting to invite you  to everything! but most of all i'll never stop wishing that you were here...to take away this pain caused my missing you so incredibly much every single day, i wish i could hug you and tell you how much you mean to me...just one last time so you don't forget...

I love you always my angel Gem xxxx

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For darling Gemma's family  / Funda

I have come - Nick Alcantara

I have come
To realize
That time is so dear
When you are no
Longer here
I cling to memories,
Sweet bitter memories
That brings you near
If only
I can touch you again
Without bringing back the pain
Feeling your presence
That you are not really
Very far away
That would bring back
The joy and magic
Of being again
Together
I know you are
Just a whisper away.

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finally :)  / Stephanie Walker (friend)

I finally got on to your site; I have missed being able to stop by and just say hello.  So "hello!" Just wanted to stop by and tell you that you and the family are in my thoughts and prayers; as always! Hope that you and Sara Jo are living it up where you are!

Lots of love!

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missing you xx  / Marie (Sister)

Hi Gem,

i know i have not wrote to u in such a long time now...please dont think that have forgotten u because i havent, sometimes is so hard to put down what i want to say i just wish i could say it to u in person like i used to beable to. I think losing you gem has taught me a valuable lesson in life that is to not take people for granted, i no we all do and it is only when we lose someone so close and so unexpected that we sit back and take stock oif things....

My girls are growin up so fast now jess is 11 and emma now 9, they miss u still and we often talk about the times u did there make up and let them wear your shoes!! Emma as young as she was remembers these so well and it is nice she had those special times with you am just sad they were cut so short.

As i no that u no gem my life has changed so much and so much has happened, i sometimes sit band think what is going to happen next....i still often lose my rag with the girls and i no i need to calm that down as i want to make the most of the time i have with them and treasure the memories i have... they are more and more independent and i feel now is the time i need to look at doing something for me, i want to be more than just a mum... i no that may sound silly as much as i love them to bits and do anything for them i now need to find time for me.

I think moviing to suffolk has been the best thing for me, and the girls i no things havent exactly gone to plan and i am yet again needin to move some time next year  but i finally feel settled and having mum dad scott natalie and little daniel so close by makes it easier to feel at home. as family is where my heart is.

I  often wonder what u would be doing in life as ours have changed so much, but i guess that il always wonder well until the day u can tell me.....xx

well gem i feel a little comfort in the fact that i think i know u are looking out for me and the girls just wish i could see you thats all.

I love you sis with all my heart...

is my 30th birthday soon and am havin a party, i know u will be there gem as u loved a good party.....

loving and missin u always

your sister Marie xxxxxx

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HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY  / Gemma (sister)

24.09.08

FOR MY BROTHER SCOTT

 HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY

WITH LOVE & KISSES

YOUR BIG SIS

GEMMA X

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so Long but never forgotten...  / Mum

22nd september 2008

Darling Gemma

I know i have'nt written here for a while  the website is such a nightmare to access.. since memory of have got so big.. they won't admit there servers just can't take the amount of sites created here now..

well last week we had Natalie's birthday and this week it is your brother Scott's special birthday 16!!  it is Scott that i see such a change in since the day you left us.. he was a 12 year old child yet now he looks so grown up and so like you Gemma.. not only in looks but in his outlook on life.. when i talk with him so much of you comes out we often say that he would have so much in common with you music computer cars! he has already said he wants to learn to drive next year when he is 17 just like you could'nt wait to be old enough to drive.. you were always the one i could ask if i had problems with things at work on the computer you would always show me how to do things.. well now it is Scott that i go to for help! so you see Gem there is still a part ofyou here in your brother.. Scott does'nt talk too much about you to his friends only real good friends know that he lost his sister when he was 12.. i look at him and he has done so well he could have so easily gone off the rails as he was so very angry Gem when you died... but thankfully with the love and guidance of me Dad and his  older sisters he is turning into a well balanced young man with ambition to do well in life..

I often wonder what you would be doing in life now Gem I talk to Alan and he has changed so much he still loves his music but now has started a new venture  with Darryl a video business and he is doing really well and thoroughly enjoying it.. i know with growing older you would have had a different outlook on life now that comes with life experiences .. i like to imagine you would taken up with your Beauty Therapy again i know you was so passionate about it.. yet for me this is something i can always only imagine.. never ever really knowing what life would have been like for you...

I see such changes in your sisters lives as in all our lives as sadly as is said so often .. "life goes on" such a true saying.. but life as it was when you were here Gem will never be the same for me... with such a huge emptiness in my life i just seem to go through life accepting whatever is thrown at me without the emotion i had.. maybe experiencing the worst possible in losing you has created a barrier that nothing can ever get through...

as much as i can't write to you here Gem which always helps me so much, you are thought of so much throughout every day and spoken about as i always have.. i cannot continue my life without this..

losing you Gem is losing a big part of myself.. there is nothing in this world that can ever make a difference.. so here i am just going through the motions of everything i do..

I will love you always and forever Gem until the day it is my time to leave this earth.

Mum x

 

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Happy Birthday Sis  / Gemma

DEAR NATALIE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE YOUR LITTLE SIS GEMMA X

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still thinking of you  / Emma Moon

hi gem still thinking of you after all this time,i know i havn been on here much but it doesnt mean ive forgot.ive just been so busy moved house and got married,just looking at all the pics and its still hard to believe youre not here,i havnt spoke to your mum in a while so ill have to email just o let her know im thinking of her to,sleep tight angel

emma x

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WEBSITE.. / X. MUM X.

Hi Gemma

Have been trying to write on here for some time yet whenever i write this bloody website freaks out!! i write from the heart and it is so frustrating when i click send and everything dissappears!! yet it will always come back to me missing you more than i could ever have imagined we take so much for granted each and every day i try to remind others how lucky they are to have a "normal" life the day you left htis earth my life changed forever and it can and never will be the same..

missing you so much loving you until the day i leave this earth

mum x

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY  / Gemma

HAPPY 11TH BIRTHDAY TO MY NIECE JESSICA

LOVE & KISSES

AUNTIE GEMMA XX

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been a while  / Dave Payne (Friend)
oh Gemma to be honest I cannot remember the last time I wrote something on here. I guess in a way it was a way for me to try and forget what terrible tragedy had taken place. Well I come here now after a couple of years to say hello again and sorry that I tried to push it out of my mind. So much has happened since my last message, I am now the proud father of two boys and I know you would have made a great 'auntie' Gemma. You had an infectious quality about you that made everyone smile no matter what mood they were in. If I could learn just one thing from you it would be to smile as much as you did no matter what was happening in life. I shall always take those memories of your happiness with me no matter what i go through in my life. When my time comes too it would be nothing short of marvellous to be able to catch up with you again. Until that day I hope you watch down on us all and give us your blessings in the hope that we live our lives with the same love for it that you had. Still thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxx

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Time.... / Mum

Darling Gemma.

I often sit here reflecting on the changes to my life since 2004 ..I know as a person i have changed so much from the day you left maybe it is the grief i still live with... it is now nearly 11 weeks since Grandad died.. yet i accept that his life ended when it did.. his body had worn out so there was no way he could have survived.. yes i feel sad i will never see my dad again yet this is the natural progression of life/death.. your death is something i will never fully accept.. yes i live with the knowledge you are gone forever that does'nt mean i have to accept it was right!  only this evening  i was talking with Madelyn reflecting on times when i first spoke with her nearing four years now ...how we both now are used to you and Chris not being here that is not acceptance just we have no option but to live without our children like it or not.. wondering what you and Chris would be doing if you were still here one thing we both know for sure and that is you will both forever be 20 you will never get old like Madelyn and I will so all our memories ended with both of you age 20.. Madelyn is such a special friend to me now Gem and i can say that is something i would not change if times were different..

Tomorrow we are having a barbecue in memory of Grandad as it would have been his 80th birthday Monday.. Nan had already planned to celebrate it so we think it's only right to carry out grandad's wishes.. as you know Gem our family has always had it's up's and down's this one or that one was always having an argument yet since Grandad's death it has made us all realise how trivial these arguments are.. life's too short to hold a grudge and not talk.. that is the one wish i know Grandad wanted and that was for us 4 of his children to all be talking and all be together.. i will do my utmost to continue his wishes.. we are getting a little older now so we have to make the best of the life we have.. no one know's what tomorrow will bring i know that better than any.. none of us are perfect and we all have our funny ways but we are who we are and have to be accepted for that..

I really have learnt so much Gem i just wish i did'nt have to lose you to change my outlook on life..

I love and miss you as much as ever Gem never doubt that..

love mum x

 

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me.... / X. Mum X.

Darling Gemma.

My feelings for you are the same as the day you left me.. I love you and want you here so much it hurts... i try so hard to make others understand yet i never will i get so frustrated at this as well meaning people feel they know what i need.. what is best for me.. i'm sick and tired of being told how i should feel!! only i know this horrible feeling of loss.. emptiness.. like there's a big hole inside of me.. time is supposed to heal they say well that is so not true!! this past week i have felt so lonely .. so lost.. consummed with you Gem i want what we had Gem the times we just sat and chatted over a cup of tea.. simple everyday things.. when i go out i no longer have you helping me with make-up or choosing an outfit... i don't have you to go shopping with..and  to buy you that top you like.. everything i ever had with you and most of all your love Gem.. i want to be able to hug you to show how much i love you.. you and I always had such a good mother/daughter relationship and i want this back!! i am so sad Gem that i will never see you again .. never be able to experience the good things happening in your life.. i try so hard to make a diifference in my day to day life always planning.. yet  i always come back to the same feelings... the one thing that would ever change how i feel inside is if you were here with me... yet i know that can never happen.. Grandad has been gone now for 5 weeks yet i have'nt even begun to grieve for him... I am totally consummed with  you .. times when i feel like this Gem i feel i have had enough.. i really don't want to  be here... I know this pain will never leave me.. at times it subsides but right now it hurts so very much.. yet there's no magic wand.. no medication... NOTHING!! so i have to continue to live life as i am...

Dear Gemma why did you have to leave?? so many questions i still need the answers...there are times i still feel with all these thoughts going round and round in my head that i will go mad!! cos the frustration that this is how it will always be...is so not how i want to continue with my life...

I love you with all my heart Gem and right now that is all that matters..

your heartbroken mum xx

                      

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SENDING LOTS OF LOVE  / ROSE GRMA TO ANGEL BRITTANY SYFERT (BRITT'S ANGEL FRIEND )

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Grandad... / Mum

Dear Gem

24th March 2008

Have been up the hospital today Grandad was taken in Good friday very very Ill, he fought so hard but in the end his heart could take no more and sadly this afternoon he passed away.. Nan and us 4 children were all there.. your sisters and cousins too, all  our family all except you.. yet maybe in the only way you could be you were there.. I do hope so Gem i have to believe that Grandad has gone to a better place, as much as i am sad that my Dad has died i look around and see his legacy and that is me my siblings and our children... without Grandad none of us would be here so that is the right chain  of events even though we never want our parents to die.. there comes a time when it is the kindest thing as like Grandad his body was worn out he has been living with a bad heart for such a long time and today came the time for him to finally rest peacefully...

 sitting here now i can smile at all the  memories of my childhood.. as well as memories of your childhood when you stayed with Nan and Grandad so as much as i will miss my Dad i have to believe it was right for him and i must admit it was a relief when he finally passed as he was so very tired and  exhausted..

If there is a heaven Gem and you are there please take care of my Dad until the time comes for me to join you both.. I still have my issues with you leaving Gem and i think i always will cos your death was never meant to be...

Love you always and forever Gem and if you were there when Grandad passed i do hope he gave you the biggest hug ever from me..

Love Mum x

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Happy Easter Gemma  / Tess, Angel Matthew McPhail's Mummy (Angel Mummy Who Cares )

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Happy Saint Patrick's Gemma  / Tess, Angel Matthew McPhail's Mummy (Angel Mummy Who Cares )

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hi gem  / Emma Moon (friend)

Hi Gem

sorry i havnt wrote in a while someone told me not to but i dont care you were my friend so i have the right to.so much has been happening lately,my 14 yr old sister in law who went missing in sligo 2 years ago,body may have been found we are just waiting for the dna results.my partner is off over to see the rest off the family tommorow.2 children told the police that there dad had murdered melissa and they told the police exactly were her body is .you never think it could happen to you or your family but it can its sickining to think what kind off people are out there.the police are 99.9% sure its melissa if it is im going to ask your mum how i do a memorial sight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Thinking of you Gemma & Family  / Sharon My~*~Siobhan

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